So, here it is… We ARE in fact expecting another little munchkin and we couldn’t be more thrilled. I was beginning to worry that people were going to guess about our little secret before we made the announcement because my waistline has been expanding faster than I remember happening when I was pregnant with Jett. I am just entering my second trimester now and my due date is March 14th.
When we were pregnant with Jett, we broke the news when I was 11 weeks along. In January, we told people that we were expecting when I was only about 6 weeks along. After losing our 2nd baby, we were definitely more gun-shy to spread the word this time around.
I had many people talk to me after I blogged about our miscarriage, so I’ve decided that if people are impacted positively by things that I write, than I’m okay with sharing openly. I’m going to delve into feelings and contemplations here so be warned!
I took a pregnancy test the first day after I should have had my period at the beginning of July. It was a strange feeling I had when I saw the positive test. I can’t say I felt surprise or excitement. I wrote about it that day, and I’ll share those thoughts here:
July 13th, 2011
So, I peed on a stick this morning. I’ve done this probably at least a dozen times. This is the third time I’ve seen the + sign as opposed to the – sign. I guess this means that I’m pregnant again, but the funny thing is, I didn’t feel that rush of emotion. That elated giddy feeling that sends shivers of amazement through my body. That’s what I felt the first two times. This time, though, the feeling I have could be better described as indifference.
Don’t get me wrong, Mitch and I want to have more children; being pregnant is a good thing, and a definite step in the right direction. But, now, my naïve-ness is gone and it’s hard not to wonder if this baby will be taken away from me, too. Just like our 2nd one.
Okay, now I feel emotion, but the tears welling up in my eyes aren’t exactly ones of joy. How is it that 5 months later, I can still be reduced to a blubbery mess when I think about my baby that I lost??? I should be happy and excited right now, and I think maybe a part of me is, but the greater portion of my being is scared to get too attached to the small one that I know is growing inside of me.
Miscarriage is a possibility in every pregnancy and while I used to think, “that will never happen to me, ” I now know that it’s not true.
How do I learn to trust God enough that I can be thrilled about life’s joys, without the nagging doubt and worry that the source of my pleasure will be taken away from me? I know that JOY, true joy, comes from God and God alone; He IS the source. It isn’t dependant on the circumstances brought on by life, but rather a contentment in knowing that God is in control. He loves me and has a plan for my life. Knowing, however, is very different from accepting and trusting God’s sovereignty in ALL situations.
I know that I could miscarry this baby that I am now bearing. I need to remember, though, that even though 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, 4 out of 5 don’t!
Lord, help me to trust you with everything, even this baby inside of me. I pray that you would replace my worry/doubt with a joy that surpasses what I am capable of mustering up. You are the giver of life and I thank You.
At about 14 weeks along, I’m starting to worry less…
The baby that we lost was measuring 9 weeks along when we were told at an ultrasound that our baby had no heart beat. We were able to have an ultrasound with THIS baby when I was 10 ½ weeks along and we were relieved to see a strong heart beat. I actually just had my 2nd prenatal appointment and I was able to HEAR a strong heart beat with the Doppler, too. I love that swish-swish sound.
I have no reason to believe that anything will go wrong with this pregnancy. Somehow, that’s not as reassuring as I would like because I really had no physical indicators when my 2nd baby’s heart stopped beating. I have a difficult time blocking out the voice of doctor who I’m sure had good intentions, but I wish hadn’t “educated” me. He told me about a terrible condition where women endure multiple miscarriages, carrying each baby a little longer than the one before, but miscarrying several times before they are able to deliver a baby that is far enough along to make it. I know that the chances of me having this terrible condition are slim, but still I wonder, how far along am I going to have to be before I can block that voice out?
I have been experiencing some nausea and exhaustion with this pregnancy. Some of that fatigue may come from chasing around an active 16 month old, but I do believe growing a baby takes a lot out of me! I’m fortunate to not be a woman who experiences the kind of nausea that brings on vomiting, etc, but I do have an “off” feeling in my gut that is connected to a gross feeling in the back of my throat for the greater part of everyday. No one likes feeling sick, but truthfully, every day that I feel “off”, I also feel encouraged that my baby must still be okay.
I know I need to stop allowing worry to creep into my mind, but that’s easier said than done. God is good. THAT I know. HE has created this life growing within me and I am grateful and excited to be a mother of two.
