Out of anguish,
Out of coffee, (just kidding--I would NEVER allow the coffee to run out)
Out of anger,
Sometimes I yell.
To be heard above the chaos,
To alert of impending danger,
To silence unnecessary screaming,
Sometimes I yell.
To encourage from a distance,
To celebrate a victory,
To round them up for dinner,
Sometimes I yell.
There you have it, folks: a poet and now you know it. ;) Sometimes I have random thoughts that take on a sort of poetic formation. At least this one doesn't rhyme.
Parenting is hard.
I realize what a sensitive topic this is, so I don't endeavour to offer any sort of wisdom or advice. (I would not claim to be wise in this arena) Rather, I will share my struggles and weaknesses with the hope that there are some sympathizers out there. We need each other.
I'm not sure if this post is coming from a place of recent frustrations I've had with discipline, insecurities about my own abilities or (more than likely) from a place where I continue to wander in a sleep deprived state. I often wonder what kind of parent I would be (and how much more patience I would have) if I got a full night's sleep. I hope to one day KNOW this. Yesterday, I poured baby cereal in my coffee (drank it anyway) and coated my eyelashes in concealer. I HOPE that this is simply a result of fatigue, NOT preliminary signs that I'm losing my mind.
I know that I have written a few blog posts about my experience as a parent such as: From First to Third and most recently, Fun vs Responsibility . I have older posts such as: Potty Talk: My Tale of Woe .. Keep Laughing .. Playing Defence .. and my very first blog post ever: There's nothing like 'sleep training' a 10 month old... Intro to the blogging world .. AND I'll likely write a few more as I stumble through trying to find my parental groove.
Parenting is hard but writing about it kinda helps; at least for me it does.
Anyone who has met my crew can attest to the fact that I have busy, strong-willed, independent children. My mother-in-law has told me about how my husband never stopped running from 9months on and my own mother says that right from early on, I never stopped talking. This is a recipe for a perfect storm. We call that storm "home." We have been given three children who never stop talking and never stop moving... Often, it's a fun storm of activity, but I'd be misleading you if I didn't admit it's exhausting.
It's funny how so much of my own upbringing is a blur in my mind, but certain key things my parents said to me have stuck and come to the forefront at specific times when I need them. I can picture my dad in conversation about the busy home I grew up in saying, (in reference to being a home owner and a parent) "You can choose to beat your kids or beat your house-- We choose to beat our house." And I'm thankful they did make that choice! Now, as a parent raising a young family in a new house, I often lament over the bumps, and scratches our new abode receives daily. I wrestle with trying to keep a clean house and often fall very short. I have to consciously remind myself that my kids are far more important than my house. While I whole heartedly believe in the importance of teaching them to respect and care for property, I want them to know that I love and cherish THEM far more than anyTHING we own.
I question my own parenting choices methods often and have come to realize that my people-pleasing personality really makes being the parent I want to be very difficult. My son Jett is bigger and stronger than most kids his age. He just turned four in April but we are often asked if he is 6 or so. It's not a major surprise that J is tall seeing as both Mitch and I are, but it has brought on challenges I didn't anticipate. When Jett was a 2-3 yr old and feeling his way through learning how to share etc. I found it wearisome to bring him to playgroups because if he got it in his mind that he wanted a toy, his size/strength would pretty much always ensure that he could take it. (His strong will also had something to do with this) I ended up playing referee much of the time. THAT was a trying phase. As I reflect on it, I realize that I developed some parenting habits that I believe were/are a disservice to my son. I was so worried about what other people might think of my big assertive boy AND how I would respond to him, that I developed a double standard for him when it came to playing/sharing with other kids. If another child was playing with a toy that Jett wanted, I would make him wait until the child was done with the toy before he could have a turn, even if the child was never done. If Jett was playing with a toy that another child wanted, I would make him share it even if he hadn't had it in his possession very long. I thought I was doing the right (polite) thing, but in hind sight, I think I sent a message to J that I wasn't all in his court. I struggle with guilt over this.
Currently, I struggle in knowing how to instill a heart of gratitude and thankfulness in my children. It feels as if most of what they do comes from selfish motive. I know that this is typical of young children, but I want to make sure I don't drop the ball in ensuring they don't remain that way. Don't get me wrong, my children can be very sweet and helpful (they often are), but I'm not convinced that their generosity comes from a heart that wants to do what's right and good simply because that's the best thing to do. They often ask about what type of reward they will receive or seek praise and affirmation for every kind act they do. They will do what I ask them to do (usually) but then ask the question, "what's in it for me???" How does one teach children not only to know but to have the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control? As I write this, I do realize that it is all about God's work in them, but the mom in me wants to be part of the process ;) (and see it happen quickly). I pray my children embrace Jesus and strive to be like Him as they grow.
I am continually humbled as a parent when I realize that my efforts in teaching morals/values are often not as effective as I think I've been. A short while ago, I was putting Jett to bed and he became really contemplative (he often does at bed time-- largely stall tactics, I'm sure). He looked at me with his big blue eyes and sweetly asked, "Mom, what's an attitude?" His question caught me off guard because we talk about attitude and choosing a good attitude A LOT in our home. He went on, "Is it that bone at the top of your mouth..." and he stuck his hand in his mouth trying to point somewhere on the roof of his mouth as if I'd know the place he was referring to... AS. IF. For a moment, I thought he must be joking, that this was part of some plot he has to drive me crazy (it's working). Certainly all of those times we talked about choosing a joyful attitude, he wasn't thinking about a place on the roof of his mouth! Right? Couldn't be...
Another nugget of wisdom from my parents that has stuck with me and I've reviewed in my mind many times is something my mom said to me. She told me, "I never prayed that you wouldn't get in trouble, but I did pray that you'd always get caught." Wow. THIS explains a lot because I did seem to get caught in my adolescent shenanigans quite often (like locking my keys in the car when I had driven somewhere I wasn't supposed to...) I think this is gold. Kids are going to get in trouble sometimes; yes, even my little angels (not a day goes by). I have begun praying in this same way for my own children. I pray that they as they "test the waters" throughout their growing up years, they always get caught and can then learn from their mistakes and build greater character.
One of my greatest parenting challenges right now is my oh-so-sweet little girly who can be found with her face against the floor a dozen times a day, distraught over some seemingly small detail. Her flare for the dramatics has been amplified 100-fold in the past half a year. She can turn the tears on and off on demand. She insists on only wearing dresses. Skirts are occasionally acceptable as long as they have some flare (not fitted) so they can twirl. I can't figure out the best way to discipline Kalena. She is incredibly stubborn and will push right up to the limit and then when consequences are given, she just breaks. I'm talking loud, heart wrenching sobs. Lord, help me when my sweet girl becomes a teenager.
We are also entering the realm of having a 3rd baby running around our house. In the last month, Zavi has gone from being relatively stationary to covering the floor incredibly quickly. He's at my heals even as I try to quickly use the washroom. He is just barely 9 months old and his favorite thing to do is walk around furniture, people, anything he can grab, really. Then he looks at you, flashes an incredibly proud smile and lets go so he can stand independently. Sometimes he sort of swings his hips as if it say, "Check it out!" He is a very charming little man. What detracts from his charm, however, is his eardrum-breaking shriek that he has decided is his most effective means of communication.
I could go on about how long it's been since I've slept through the night, how many diapers I change and how I hate potty training or how I'm sick of carrying around so much extra weight on my bones, BUT I'm tired of complaining. (I also think I've written on most of these topics before...) I actually LOVE my life; being a wife and a mom on a farm. There are many frustrating days, but I try to see the humor in parenting my crazy wonderful kids and I pray for God's grace to cover my mistakes and shortcomings everyday.
How could I possibly NOT find joy while staring into these faces everyday:
I am enamoured with this sweet little goof.
My dramatic little lady is also a fabulous snuggler.
My handsome firstborn is becoming so independent!
Sometimes I DO yell, but I spend more time laughing.
