My Big Blue-eyed Bulldozer

This has been brewing in me for a long time and I feel like I need to lay this out there as a way of therapy for myself and hopefully to build some understanding in the parenting community. Being a parent is hard... for ALL of us. There really is no other role one could take on that brings out the best and the worst in each one of us so clearly. Parenting brings unmeasurable joy, intolerable frustration and unimaginable sorrow; sometimes simultaneously.

My boy just graduated... from preschool ;)
Kindergarten, here he comes!!

Each child is made completely unique from the next, which makes our job all that much more challenging as we try to guide and instruct our children. I am fairly certain that most, if not all, parents would agree that we want our offspring to be kind, caring and compassionate individuals who are confident and content with who they are and willing to work hard for the betterment of those close to them and society in general. The way in which we strive to help our children "get there" looks very different as we're impacted by a large variety of factors.

I feel like this post could go on several tangents, so I'll try to narrow in on my reason for writing this. Parenting my large, physically strong/athletic, clever, outgoing, fearless, strong-willed child is hard, and I often feel as though I'm not doing it right. There are many great things about who he is and how he's made, and I'll talk about some of those things here, but mainly I'm going to write about the challenges we face in the hope that some of you may understand us and how we operate a little better.

In writing this, I am not saying that my parenting challenges are more difficult than anyone else's. This is simply my reality and what I experience with my own children. I'm sure someone else could write about the challenges of raising a small child, a highly sensitive/emotional child (I have one of those, too..) or of raising an exceptionally shy or timid child. I know there are families with children who face serious health challenges and others who would write about the heartbreak of infertility or of losing a child. I recognize all that I have to be thankful for. I am madly in love with my kids and I love being a mom.

My Jett has always been a large (97th percentile or higher for height and weight), boisterous and a very active boy. Even as a baby, we could tell that we had a little spark plug on our hands and as first time parents, we thought that was great and totally fun. (Now that we have a third little spark plug running around, we have a better idea of what we're in for.) He started walking at 9 months and running a day later. We've been trying to keep up with him ever since.

Jett's about 16 months here. Don't get suckered into those big blue eyes like I did/do.
This is when parenting (ie discipline etc.) started getting real...
Yes, I also had a stint where I cut/dyed my hair... Now, I'm lucky if I get to the salon once a year.

Many of my friendship circles and people in my community have had kids at the same time that Mitch and I have been building/growing our family, so there have always been lots of kids to play with. Right from the get-go, though, I began to see that play dates, although fun in theory, are NOT relaxing or easy when you have the big child.

Sorry for the expletive, I just found this very funny. Funny because it's true, and funny because of how I often have to change my wording (or wish that I'd changed my wording-- I'm not talking four letter words here, though) because the kids are repeating everything... even when I didn't think they were paying attention.

All 1-2 yr olds take toys and struggle with sharing as they enter the toddler years and are trying to figure things out. What I quickly learned, though, is that without adult intervention, the big kid most often gets the toy; simply because he can pull harder. It makes toddler play dates less relaxing when you feel as though you need to be policing their play constantly so that your big kid doesn't steal everyone's toys. Here's where I think I made a mistake in my parenting techniques. I succumbed to my inner people-pleaser and tried to compensate for my dominant child by unfairly forcing him to share. I wanted him to share and play nicely so badly, that I would make him "share" or give up the toy he was playing with, even when he had legitimately had it first and wasn't done playing with it. Then, I promoted a double standard in that if Jett wanted a toy that another child had, I would make him wait until they were done. This (the waiting) is likely the best way to train cooperative play, but confusing to my boy as I didn't allow him the right to play with a toy until he was done. I didn't advocate for my son.

After writing the above paragraph, I was having a little deja vu. I looked back and I realize I have previously written about how I feel I've erred in being unfair to Jett in the whole sharing arena. Sorry for the repeat. Mama guilt-- it's a real thing, folks. ;) It wasn't even a year ago that I wrote, Sometimes I Yell... Mama brain is also a real thing.

Not that I think this is the be all and end all, but it's a good general guide. ;)
I've always had a good relationship with my son, but I think our rules haven't always been well defined, which has contributed to some chaos in our home.

Jett, like many boys, LOVES to play very physically. Bumping, wrestling and chasing are what his favourite games are made of. BUT when the big kid pushes (even if they were pushed first), it looks bad; like they're picking on others. I have been waiting and waiting for that discerning part of Jett's brain to kick in. The part that would help him realize his own strength compared to kids smaller than he is and adapt his play (tone down) so that no one gets hurt. In spite of countless discussions we've had, he's still not there. If a buddy bumps or gives him a playful shove, all Jett sees is a green light to release his inner Hulk Hogan. I have witnessed several instances where a boy shows interest in playing physically and then is completely overwhelmed because they had no idea what type of can they were opening with Jett!

Quite a while ago (like when Jett was 2) I wrote a post about Jett and how he was pegged as "that guy" in a play centre we were at. I am aware of how spirited my boy is and has been from a young age. I really don't see it as something he's going to grow out of, so our challenge is learning how to channel his energy and spunk into productive and cooperative play.

A tantrum or defiant behaviour from a big kid is judged more harshly in public because they look older and should know better.  I know that I should not let this bother me, but...  it does.

Jett's energy levels are on the high end, to say the least. As he's growing, we're discovering that certain artificial dyes significantly impact Jett's ability to reason and affect his decision-making. Unfortunately, when kids get together for birthdays or special playtimes there is often treats and most treats contain artificial colors... this doesn't help Jett's calm mental state. It almost inevitably leads to a conversation where it feels like I'm trying to reason with a wall. It's time to kick those artificial colors (specifically red) to the curb!

Jett is peddle to the metal all the time and his spacial awareness is not all there. Jett hurts kids inadvertently. The back swing of his hockey slap shot, running and turning without notice, going after the ball at the same time as other kids. His tagging can be overly aggressive, often because he can't put the brakes on while he's running. His competitive nature also leads him to try and win at all costs. I've actually come to believe that he is legitimately unaware of his lethally flying limbs as he strives to reach a destination first. It has happened on several occasions where a child will come to me and say, "Jett hit me" and when I go to talk to Jett, he honestly is oblivious to having done so. Even Jett's version of gentle is physical. He and his sister like to whisper jokes and funny things into each other's ear lately. If someone who didn't know Jett came upon him whispering to his sister, they may think that instead he was trying to choke his sister because even a gentle whisper involves him holding/pulling his sister's ear close to him.

Jett was 4 yrs at his most recent Dr. checkup. The comment that stuck out to me from that appointment is how my four year old (now 5) is the size of a 7 yr old. Yep. I already knew that because the clothes I'm buying him are size 7/8 and his shoes are a youth 2.

Soccer. Jett is very athletic and fast for his age. He is innately competitive. I know that not all children are, because my daughter is not. He enjoys soccer, but I find it very difficult to relax while he's practicing or playing because he is substantially bigger and stronger than nearly all the other kids in his age category. I described his lack of spatial awareness in an above paragraph, and that is an issue as he goes for the ball (which is what you're supposed to do in soccer). People don't want to see one child dominate the play at his age, and I get it, I'm just not sure how to encourage my son to try his best and yet dial it down at the same time.

Often Jett is completely unaware of how rough his play can be. He's naturally very physical. Occasionally though, he has moments of clarity where it seems he recognizes that his size and strength are a factor to consider. In talking with Jett, he has made comments to me like, "I'm scared I'm going to hurt the other kids" (this was in reference to a soccer practice) or "I'm always the one getting in trouble or being rough." We have MANY talks about choices and how he is responsible for his own choices because Jett is a do-er; other kids may come up with a plan (be it good or bad) but Jett's the one who's not afraid to execute it. I have been trying to help him understand that HE has to answer for the choices he makes, even if it was someone else's idea.

Some days, if Jett and I have had to have several discussions about his choices and behaviour, he will get sad and tearfully announce, "I'm having a bad day!" There have been times where Jett will sorrowfully say that he's just bad. My response to this is to hold my boy, look into his eyes and inform him that he is NOT bad. I make a point of never calling children bad. Every child is capable and sometimes guilty of bad choices, but that doesn't make them bad. I want my son to know and believe that he is good and capable of making good choices.

One of my greatest fears for my Jett, is that in this day and age where "bully" is such a buzz word, (I am in no way condoning actual bullying) my large and feisty boy will be unfairly labeled. I know my boy is big, strong, physical, often rough & tumble, but he is not a bully. He does not desire to hurt anyone. He does desire to try every new thing, to run the fastest and win whatever whenever, but he doesn't wish to cause trouble/harm.

Jett LOVES his friends. One of his best buddies barely comes up to his shoulder, and Jett is fiercely protective of him. Jett will loudly cheer a friend on as they run/play/compete. A very proud moment for me was hearing about how Jett stuck up for a friend in the hockey dressing room. A boy was saying some nasty things about another boy in the room and Jett simply piped up, "That's not a nice thing to say." He didn't make a big deal or fight about it, he just spoke up and the boy stopped! So proud of my boy.

I have purposely avoided the spiritual component in what I have written here thus far because my desire is to build bridges with all parents; Bible believing or not. The truth is, though, that I fail often and rely on God's grace to help me be the mom I need to be. My heart's desire is that Jett would be filled with God's Spirit as he grows and understands more about his Maker, so that the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control) would abound and radiate from him.

I know that my days of discussing choices with Jett as he plays more roughly than he should are far from over, and I apologize if you're child is ever a casualty of my blue-eyed bulldozer, but I pray that Jett would grow, mature and understand how to be self-controlled. I welcome helpful suggestions of how to guide this big, strong-willed boy :) I do believe in the village concept when it comes to raising children. My one request is that if/when you confront Jett for behaving roughly, please look at him with eyes that see the good in his heart. God has big plans for my boy ;)